Beware the SelfInsert!
by Loves-Chihuahuas
Summary: Self-Insert fics can ruin many a good writer...so, I thought I'd give it a go to see if I could make you laugh! w Yes, it's gonna be crap...XD One-shot, no pairings, thank the Lord.


Beware the self-insert!

Dislcaimer: I do not own Death Note, nor do I own any thongs(they cause rectal cancer D:)…Nor do I own any boxer, btw….Okay, okay, I lied!...I own a pair of boxers w

Important info: L and Light are chained together. Also…

alright, I'm sick of self-inserts. I've read ONE that was good—in my favorites somewhere if you wanna read it too, it's really short. Anyways, though it may be fun to write yourself into fanifcs directly or otherwise (98 % of OC's), it is NOT fun to read them, as much as the writers would like to claim otherwise by word of their coerced and love-blinded friends. But, remember; you can love the person without loving the action(in this case, self-inset fanfics)! TT^TT

So, I thought I'd make one and try to make it at least a little funny, as per my usual style. I have warned you, this is a self-insert, so it could very well turn out to be something you wouldn't even use to wipe your behind with when the TP is gone. Enjoy! w

**Self-Insert :P**

_Subtitle: Well, here I come, I suppose_

It was a normal day for all members of the Kira Investigation Squad: Mogi and Aizawa were out gathering doughnuts, L and Light were busy at their computers, Mr. Yagami was reading through some reports…

Matsuda was with Misa at her photoshoot, by now bored with watching the chatty girl pose for different cameras—there were only so many times you could be impressed by a slutty broad posing half-naked for a camera. So, it was that the bored Matsuda stood awkwardly off to the side of the photoshoot, looking around the park the shoot was at for something to interest him.

He was nothing interesting, just normal people walking around…huh, there was a kid and his mom, a couple making out on a park bench, a fat man drinking a SlimQuick while jogging, and a preteen running barefooted through the grass. Nothing even remotely interesting…

Matsuda decided to watch the young girl running around like an idiot, barefooted through the grass, since she was the liveliest thing in motion. The girl ran to the left, then the right, brown hair in crazy tangles and glasses dirty. She wore a purple hoodie and a baggy pair of capris that functioned as pants, he noted dully. He watched as the girl approached a tree, her little purple backpack bouncing, faintly hoping she would run into it for some reason.

The girl attempted to stop suddenly, but being in motion and therefore following the rules of it, she tripped, skidded, and landed hard on her but. Matsuda blinked in surprise, wondering what had made her try to stop, and whether he should go help the plain girl.

He took a hesitant step forward, and she opened her mouth, took a deep breath, then: "EEEEE IIII AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAHHHHHHH MOOOOMMMMMAAAA!!!!! IIIIEEE EEEEH EEEEEHHH AAAAAAAAHHHH WWAAAAAAAAAAHH~!" A sreeeching, high-pitched, whistle-like scream met his ears, most definitely in a different language.

The crew of the photoshoot looked over at the loud girl in surprise, wondering if she had had a leg ripped off to be screaming like that.

Remebering that he was an officer, Matsuda finally jogged over to where the girl sat on the ground howling in a strange, ugly language, holding her foot in her hands. "What is it, what's wrong?" He asked as he kneeled down next to her.

The pale little girl shoved her foot in his face and screeched , "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"

Matsuda twitched at the loud screaming in his ear, and attempted to focus on the foot being forcefully presented to him. There was a buzzing black bee stuck into her foot, still alive, and still pumping its venom into the area between the last two toes of her right foot.

"What an unlucky girl, stepped on a ground bee…" Matsuda murmured as he removed the bee from the frantic foreigner's foot. The girl cried there on the ground, refusing to get up and gabbling to the uncomfortable officer in her odd language. Matsuda looked around for sign of the girl's parents, but to no avail; she was the only foreign person here in the park.

"Uhm," he said unsurely, looking down a the girl who clutched his arm with tiny , long-nailed hands, "Do you understand Japanese?" The girl continued to cry and nodded her head 'yes.'

"Thank God," Matsuda sighed, only to be slapped on the hand by the girl. He squeaked in surprise and looked down to find the still-crying girl lecturing him severely in her language. "Ehe, sorry." Matsuda said quickly, rubbing the back of his head with his hand.

"So," He began again, "Can you speak Japanese?" A shake 'no.'

Sighing, he then proceeded to ask, "Alright, do you know where you folks are around here?" Another shake 'no.'

"Do you know where you are staying?" Yet another negative shake of the head.

Not knowing what to do, he considered just leaving the bawling foreign girl in the park…but, that would look bad, so he grabbed her arm and helped her up, declaring, "You shall come with me!"

The girl twitched and brought out what appeared to be a rape whistle. She brought it to her lips, but Matsuda quickly snatched it away, hurriedly saying, "I'm an officer, I'm an officer, see!?" He showed her his badge, and the sobbing girl nodded. Yeeesh, would she ever quit bawling?!

Matsuda sighed and attempted to drag the girl over to the photoshoot, but the girl tried to hop like an idiot on her one good foot, causing them booth to fall over. "Fine then, I'll carry you!" Matsuda roared. The girl cried even harder, evidently upset by the creaming policeman.

Matsuda Threw the 100 lb girl over his shoulder and marched over to where Misa was taking a coffee break. Misa looked up in surprise, then giggled suggestively, "Hey, Matsuda, did you…_pick up a girl?"_

Matsuda twitched and ground out quietly with a strained smile, "No, Misa, I as an officer, an honor-bound to help this insane foreign girl. She stepped on a bee, can't speak Japanese, is lost, and _won't stop screaming and crying._ So, I'm going to take her to HQ to see if L speaks whatever crazy language she's speaking and be done with it." Boy, Matsuda sure was having a bad day! XD

Not waiting for a reply, Matsuda marched off to his car, the hysterical pale girl slung over his shoulder. He wrenched open the back seat, shoved her in, and took off to HQ.

One very loud car ride later, and a very grumpy Matsuda was carrying the still howling girl over his shoulder, into the workroom.

The people inside the workroom, once contentedly working in the quietude the room afforded, were suddenly and violently assaulted by a loud, high-pitched wailing. Disturbed eyes turning towards the door, a grumpy and sheepish Matsuda walked into the room, a screeching girl thrown over his shoulder.

L flinched and pressed his hands over his ears, inquiring loudly in his monotone, "Matsuda, why have you brought this noisy child here? You know only authorized members are allowed to enter this building. You could jeopardize our whole operation."

Light nodded in agreement as he and Mr. Yagami covered their own ears against the offending screams coming from the small girl.

Matsuda grimaced and set the girl down on the floor, shouting over the noise, "She stepped on a bee in the park, she doesn't speak Japanese but understands it, she's lost, and she won't stop screaming!" Matsuda then quickly stepped away from the girl who sat howling on the floor, and sank onto one of the couches.

L frowned and asked, "She's foreign and lost? Where are her parents?"

Matsuda covered his eyes with his hands and answered agitatedly, "I don't know, she doesn't know! She doesn't even know where she's staying! I though you might be able to do something, you're a genius and know so many languages…" L rolled his eyes, not wanting to be relied on to solve all the problems the goofy officer found himself in just because he could.

Light gave L a pleading look, obviously getting a headache from the bawling girl. Sighing, L unfolded himself from his chair and approached the bawling girl who was once again holding her foot. "Hello," he stated in his monotonic version Japanese, "my name is Ryuzaki, who are you?"

The girl looked up at him, her face red and wet, and answered thickly in her own language some odd name. L hummed and called back casually to the team, "She speaks English."

"I heard you stepped on a bee in the park," He intoned boredly, wanting to get this over with and get back to work, "why do you keep crying if the stinger's gone?"

The girl gurgled something back to him and his right eye twitched slightly. He turned to face the three men watching him and said boredly, "She's severely allergic to bees, so she's in a great deal of pain. She also has no epipen." The team twitched, and Matsuda looked apologetic for being so upset at her crying.

Mr. Yagami rose out of his chair and asked seriously, "Should she be taken to the hospital?"

In answer, L brought out his cell phone and dialed a number, "It's Ryuzaki here, Watari. Could you please bring an epipen, bag of ice, and some tea up here? No, no, it's not me, it's…a foundling Matsuda dragged in here. Alright." L closed his cell-phone and observed the worried team.

"Will she be alright?" Light asked unsurely—he might be Kira, but the girl didn't look like a criminal, and he didn't want his future subjects to die.

L squatted down next to the girl and examined her swelling foot. "Hmmmm… she was stung on the webbing between her last two toes, so she'll be alright as long as she receives her medication within the next hour or so." The girl sobbed tiredly, sounding a bit pathetic.

"Can you make her stop screaming?" Light asked warily, his head throbbing from the noise.

L looked back over at Light and said calmly, "Up 2.45%, Light-kun."

"Wha-why?" Light sputtered indignantly, clenching his fists.

L helped the diminuitive girl to stand and replied, "Because the child is in a great deal of pain, and forcing her to be quiet would be not only cruel but unhospitable. She did not ask Matsuda to bring her here, mainly because she cannot speak Japanese, so we must not treat her unkindly." L helped the girl to hop over to the couch where Matsuda sat and allowed her to lie down.

Light growled in his throat and said hotly, "I don't want the poor kid to suffer! I was just thinking that maybe you could distract her or something, seeing as you're the only one who understands her!" L cocked his head at him, then shrugged.

"Let her cry it out." He said, turning to go back to his work.

"Ryuzaki!" Light snarled, "Now!"

L sighed, not wanting to fight infront of their 'guest,' and approached the crying girl once more.

Sitting down gingerly in the arm chair facing her, L asked, "So…how do you feel about Kira?"

Light face-palmed and said hotly, "Ryuzaki, she's not going to have an opinion about this, she's just a kid-"

"Shhh." L shushed Light, turning back to the girl, "Sorry, could you repeat that last bit about Michelangelo's portrayal of Men working as an analogy to the Kira situation?"

The three other men in the room blinked, watching as the girl, no longer crying, babbled rapidly to L in some ugly language.

L brought his thumb to his lips, humming in assentment from time to time. Light and Mr. Yagami approached, curious as to what she was saying. "What's she saying?" Matsuda asked curiously, in a better mood since the wailing had stopped.

L waved him off and listened as the girl told him something. L's eyes bulged slightly, and he blinked a few times, evidently surprised. The a faint, pink tinge appeared on his cheeks.

"What'd she say?" Light pressed, wanting to know what had shocked and made the stoic L blush.

The blush disappeared quickly from where it had appeared, and L answered hesitantly, "She said…that she'd marry Michelangelo if she had access to time-travel, but since she doesn't… she wants to marry L."

Light blinked for a few moments, digesting the irony of it all; the man the girl idolized was sitting right in front of her. Light laughed internally at how she would react to meeting the world's greatest detective; he was around L all the time, so he sometimes forgot that the famous detective was the same man who brushed his teeth with bubblegum toothpaste.

Matsuda giggled, pointing at L and smirking. L frowned at him and muttered, "Remember, I'm _Ryuzaki._" Matsuda snorted and nodded.

Mr. Yagami smiled kindly down at the girl and said, "That's sweet. I'm sure that he'd like you once you got older." L gave him a pointed look to shut up and then looked away.

The girl frowned slightly, and was about to speak when a new voice joined the conversation, "My, my, it never ceases to amaze me what Matsuda manages to bring back to HQ. At least this time it didn't have rabis." All eyes looked up to find Watari, holding a tray bearing a bag of ice, tea, and a needle.

L motioned Watari forward, "This is the one. It was on her foot."

Watari approached the teary girl with a kind smile on his face, instructing her, "If you would please stand and lift your sweater a bit, dear, we can get this little bit of pain over with for you."

The girl nodded and attempted to stand on one leg(idiot), only to fall back onto the couch. L sighed and said dully, "Matsuda, you brought her here, you help her." Matsuda whined but stood to steady her.

Matsuda held onto the left arm of the girl while she lifted the edge of her hoodie, revealing the lower portion of her back. Watari swiped the back-hip area of her skin with alcohol, then approached with the needle. The small girl let out a whimper of fear, clenching painfully onto Matsuda's hand. Matsuda winced in pain.

"EEEEEE!"The girl exclaimed as the evil needle pierced her skin, quickly replaced with a bandage.

"There, all done." Watari said with a smile. The girl sniffled, rubbing her back petulantly. The mumbled something in her language to Watari, then turned and sais the same to L, then finally Matsuda.

"You're welcome." Watari and L both replied, Matsuda chorusing some moments later when he finally understood.

"Now what?" Matsuda asked, "We no-one knows where she lives, what are we supposed to do?" The girl sank back down on the couch, holding the bag of ice proffered by Watari on her foot.

Mr. Yagami cleared his throat and suggested, "Perhaps asking her some basic questions would help?"

L nodded and asked, "Why are you in Japan?"

The girl answered and L translated, "For school, she said."

Light frowned and asked, "Did she get separated on a feildtrip…?" The girl, having heard him, looked over at him and gave him a funny look, shaking her head 'no.'

"Did you come with your class?" L continued. The girl answered 'no.'

"Did you come alone?" Matsuda interjected, wanting to be helpful. Light and L both gave him hard looks that insinuated he was stupid for asking that, only to be surprised when she answered 'yes.'

"You're alone?" L asked in mild surprise, "you're parents trusted you to come to Japan from…?"

She answered with a strange look on her face once more, and L translated, "America."

Mr. Yagami squawked indignantly and said heatedly, "Who would let a little gril travel alone all that way!? And not even pack the nessicary medication for a common and severe allergy!?"

The girl now gave Mr. Yagami a funny look and said some odd words. L frowned and asked her, "How old are you, child?"

The girl sighed and said a two-syllable word. L twitched and stared at her for a moment. "What did she say?" Light asked irritably, not being able to follow her rapid English.

"She said…she's 20."

…

"No way, she's twelve." Light said firmly to much assent.

L frowned and asked her, "Could you show us any proof?"

The girl frowned back at him and said one word that they all understood perfectly, "Kira?"

"Oh," L said, "She knows that names can get you killed…" He sat there and pondered for a moment, then asked, "Could you just hold your thumb over the name on a piece of ID?"

The girl nodded happily and dug in her bag, producing a little white card which she quickly hid. Repositioning her hand over it she held it proudly out infront of her fro them to see.

"Blah-State University, 2009-2010 school year." He read off of it, "It's got her picture on it too."

Matsuda looked at her and murmured, "Wow, she's got to be at least 18 then."

She looked crossly at him and repeated the same two-syllable word from before. "20 years." L repeated.

"Well, all we have to do it contact her University, since she's evidently studying abroad, and they'll tell us what hotel she's staying in." Light announced.

She then died two weeks later from stepping on yet another bee.

The END.

I got bored. XD

Author's notes: Well, I forced myself to do it, even though it hurt immesnsely. ~ Terrible work, but that might have to do with the subject… Yes, that's what would happen if I were in the DN universe—I'd get stung by a bee. Yes, I did step on a bee last summer, screamed and cried forever from the immense pain(more painful than when I fractured my foot!),and had to get a painful poke ~

Yep, I'd try to talk to L about Michelangelo XD

…I'm often barefoot . I'm a wild-child! XDD

Huh, I still get called tweleve and thirteen by strangers, especially when I don't wear makeup :/ It's all part of being little old me(haha, pun!)!

So, there's my terrible self-insert! I did it without giving myself super powers, falling in love, kissing anyone, killing anyone, being beautiful, solving the case, or speaking Japanese! XD

Btw, I didn't include the State University I'm going to jor my name…I didn't think it was important to the story, and I'll most likely never tell anyone that info. But, I'll give you a hint—I live with a lot of corn, and my name has vowels and consonants. O.O


End file.
